As we enter the new year, I thought I might offer a few health tips that are guaranteed to get you into tip-top shape within a week to ten years. 1] Eat more grease. I believe that scientists of the future will discover that, since grease is a lubricant, it actually helps your blood slide […]
This is how Santa rolled when I was a kid. Does he still do this?
I couldn’t find one of my old bottles of prescription pills the other day, so I asked my wife if she knew what happened to them. She told me that she had thrown them away. When I asked her why on earth she would do such a thing, she told me she had gotten rid […]
St. Patrick’s Day celebrates the life of St. Reginald Patrick (Reggie for short) who is known for driving the snakes out of Ireland. Twentieth century historians have disputed this claim, however, arguing that instead of driving the snakes, he merely purchased them bus tickets. Modern historians, however, scoff at this claim, noting that only lizards […]
I was five-years-old when I found a tiny baby doll in my Christmas stocking. Even worse, Santa had given my sister a cool toy fire truck that I just knew dang well should’ve been mine. It took years of therapy to get over the trauma. How could Santa make such a colossal blunder? It made […]
Halloween was always a scary time for me when I was growing up. Not because of all the ghosts and goblins and such, but because my mom made all my costumes. Every kid knows that an acceptable Halloween costume must either be scary or cool, and Mom’s costumes fell short on both counts. I was […]
I don’t know if you are aware of it, but I am the guy who invented Kiss-Jeep. There are some parts of the country where Kiss-Jeep hasn’t caught on yet, so let me explain. Let’s say you’re driving down the road with your honey. The first one in the car that spots a Jeep Wrangler […]
In celebration of Scrappy, The Wonder Dog’s birthday* this month, I offer a never-before-seen peek at my journal entry for the week of his adoption 15 years ago. October 12 – My wife called me while I was at the store and asked if I knew why there was a small, bedraggled dog hanging around […]
A lot of odd little customs have somehow become attached to the Christmas season. Take mistletoe, for example. What an amazing concept! Hang a little twig over someone’s head and you get a kiss. I guess that makes sense. Nothing says romance like a poisonous sprig of parasitic vegetation. I’m not sure how the mistletoe […]
My family just celebrated Independence Day as we do every year, and for the first time in my life, it strikes me what a strange way it is that we celebrate this holiday. First, we go over to my Uncle Harold’s house and stuff ourselves almost to the point of hospitalization. Then at some point […]
