It has come to my attention lately that my articles and programs have been exclusively targeting those who desire to provide great customer service. In the interest of reaching a broader audience and making my newsletter more inclusive, I offer the following tips for people who desire to give crummy customer service:
1] Avoid communication. There is no law (outside The Law of Success and Self-Preservation) that says you have to talk to your customer! If something goes wrong with an order, just pretend that nothing’s wrong. With any luck, a giant meteor will hit the planet within a couple days and you won’t have to worry about your customer getting mad at you.
2] Don’t recognize your fellow workers as your customers. Don’t let other people think you appreciate their contribution to your being able to make a living! Adopting an arrogant attitude toward your fellow workers and treating them poorly is the world’s quickest path to the freedom and joy that is found in unemployment.
3] Slow down, for crying out loud. Just who are you trying to impress, anyway? The customer? What has she ever done for you? (Besides paying you for your help and allowing you to make a living, that is.) No, this is a free country, dagnabit, and you have the right to meander your whole life away, losing every single opportunity for advancement and success if you want to!
4] Disengage. If you work remotely, or never have to engage with people in person, email, or video, then you have it made. But if you are customer facing, you have a great shot at angering your clients and torpedoing your business. All you need to do is:
Avoid eye contact. This is most easily accomplished by staring vacantly at your phone. For you to operate at maximum slacker-ness, the customer should have to attempt to get your attention no less than three times before you acknowledge their presence. While you have that phone in your hand, why not make a few personal calls? One of the easiest ways to communicate your apathy to your customer is to ignore them while you prattle on about absolutely nothing with your friends! When customers try to get your attention, be sure to roll your eyes and turn your back to them.
5] If you are cornered and have to actually talk to someone throughout the course of your day, that certainly doesn’t mean you have to take ownership of your job and be helpful. No, instead, I suggest you use the following witty phrases (well, they were witty 30 years ago) to communicate your disdain for both your job and the customer:
Don’t ask me. I just work here.
I’m only working here ‘til I win the lottery.
Uh, I don’t know. That’s not in my job description.
Of course, if you absolutely insist on being one of those people who actually care about the people around you and want to reflect that in your work effort, then perhaps being a customer service slacker isn’t right for you. In that case, just do the opposite of every piece of advice I’ve given here and you’ll be just fine.
© 2020 Charles Marshall. Charles Marshall is a nationally known humorous motivational speaker and author. Visit his Web site www.CharlesMarshallSpeaker.com or contact him via e-mail at Charles@CharlesMarshallSpeaker.com