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The Suburban Guy’s Home Repair Method

I just finished replacing a piece of loose siding on my house and it only took me about a year to do it. How did I accomplish this miracle of efficiency and home-repair savvy? By applying the time-honored suburbanite-male’s system of home maintenance. The following is the simple 10-step process I use to ensure quality workmanship and timely results.

  1. Walk by the thing that needs to be repaired for about three to six months. Glance at item in disrepair and think, Man, I need to do something about that.

  2. Six months later, walk by item again — this time noticing that the situation has reached critical mass and can no longer be put off. Resolve to take decisive action and act immediately to repair item.

  3. Three weeks later, take initial step in repair by examining damage. Briefly look at damaged area of house. Go back inside house, turn on TV, and watch HGTV in hope that it might offer some clue as to how to fix problem.

  4. Come to the happy realization that the repair will necessitate the use of tools (maybe even power tools)!

  5. Go into garage and rummage through piles of tools in search of specific gizmo needed for this repair. Find a completely different, really cool tool that I didn’t know I owned. Become overwhelmed with desire to use really cool tool. Go find something to use it on. Forget all about original project for the rest of the day.

  6. Come back the next day and rummage through tools again and come to the conclusion that I don’t own the necessary gizmo for project. Go to Home Depot and walk around in store for four or five hours looking at all the neat stuff I don’t have the money to buy. Finally get around to purchasing proper gizmo needed for this home repair project.

  7. Go home and begin home repair. Spend 10 minutes gleefully tearing out old, damaged part of home. Experience brief feeling of elation, fantasizing about guest hosting a show on HGTV.

  8. Have massive panic attack, realizing that I am now committed, and have reached the point of no return. Spend the next 12 hours attempting a repair project that is clearly over my head.

  9. Go to garage to look for a hammer so I can beat the living daylights out of my house. Rummage through piles of tools. Find one-year-old gizmo identical to the one I just purchased at Home Depot.

  10. Call carpenter-buddy of mine and beg him to come “help” me repair house. Greet friend at door and show him where botched repair job is. Pepper him with annoying questions and advice until he begs me to leave. Go watch TV until repair is completed.

So my promise is that if you follow these steps carefully, you too can experience the same results as I have!

But it’s time for me to get back to work. I have another home repair that I have my eye on and I want to get right on it. I’ll let you know how it went in about a year.

© 2019 Charles Marshall. Charles Marshall is a nationally known humorous motivational speaker and author. Visit his Web site www.CharlesMarshallSpeaker.com or contact him via e-mail at Charles@CharlesMarshallSpeaker.com

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