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A Salute to Pants

It’s that time of year again when it has become necessary for me to switch from shorts to pants, and I couldn’t be happier. I had almost forgotten the comfort, warmth, and security that wearing pants provides. It’s just like getting a hug of sunshine, but without the searing heat and life-threatening melanoma.

The reason I’m writing about pants, though, is to address the looming danger concerning them. In view of current global hostilities, I feel it is only a matter of time before some nut somewhere learns how to make a bomb out of pants, and then the TSA agents out at the airport start asking us to place our pants on the conveyor belt to be screened.

This is exactly how the revolution will begin, because under no circumstance will I willingly surrender my pants. It might get ugly. They might beat me. They might drag me off to jail, but, by jingo, I’ll have my pants on.

My friends, we must not let them take our pants. Our civilization depends on it. Without pants, our society comes crashing down.

Just look at what happened to Rome. You may well argue that the Romans created a successful empire wearing togas (which, in the original language translates literally as “man-skirts”), but if that form of apparel was so great, why didn’t their civilization last?

The answer is obvious. No pants. That’s right. They went prancing around in their togas for years, and their enemies didn’t take them seriously anymore. If you don’t believe me, put on a dress, pick a fight with someone, and see what happens.

Even after the fall of Rome, and possibly well into the winter of Rome, their enemies were still snickering at them.

“And what of the Scottish and their kilts?” you may ask.

No one can deny their smart fashion sense and style, but at the end of the day, they are still wearing skirts.

“But weren’t the Scottish fierce warriors at one time?” you ask.

Yes, admittedly they have done well in a few battles in the distant past, but they’re not exactly considered a major world power anymore, are they? It wasn’t the Scottish that pulled Europe out of that mess back in WWII was it?

No sir. That’s why the phrase “Don’t worry, the Scottish will defend us” has never gained popularity.

But it’s not really the Scots’ fault that they lost the struggle for world dominance. It’s hard to concentrate on fighting when you’re worried that your dress might fly up at any minute.

Excerpt from Sun Tzu’s Art of War: “All other factors being equal, the side wearing pants will always win the battle.”

So, yes, I love pants. I maintain that pants are the ultimate clothing item, the pinnacle of perfection in apparel. Have you ever stopped to reflect on the wonder that is pants? I’m getting so emotional about this subject, I’m moved to render a poem.

Ode to Pants
Oh, the wonder that is pants!
It’s hard to imagine any circumstance
In which I’d not want pants in this world
Unless, of course, I were a girl

So, all hail to you, noble pair of jeans!
To slacks, trousers, and dungarees
I now salute you with poetic device
And pray they have you in paradise.

So, I wish you a happy fall and, as the old Scottish saying goes, “May you never find yourself waiting for your pants to come out of the X-ray machine at the airport.”

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